Most of my life, I’ve been wrestling.
Now, before that statement gets misinterpreted, I’m not a
jacked, throw-‘em-down, and make-them-beg-for-mercy type gal. In fact, I hate
contact sports. What I’m talking about is an internal wrestle. It’s a constant
pull between two things: the path of life and peace, and the path that leads to
death.
I know that sounds extreme, but it’s very true.
As a first grader, I stole rocks from my teacher’s rock
collection. I remember sitting in
the back of the room with the rock bin thinking I should just get up and walk
away, but for some reason, the lure of the Tiger Rock was too strong. I knew
stealing was wrong, but the stone was shiny, and I wanted it…
In high school, I snuck out of the house to play a board
game with several of my friends. I analyzed which window didn’t have an alarm
sensor on it, pulled it open, and climbed out. As I walked to my car, I thought
about the consequences and reconsidered my decision, but I kept going. I put
the engine in neutral and rolled down the street.
As a young adult, I wrestled with a cute shirt at The Gap.
It was $52.00. I didn’t have money for it. I stood there wondering if I could
charge it and pay later…I chose to walk away without the shirt.
I think you get my point.
Small and large decisions give us the opportunity to think
about the path we want to take. The problem is choosing the right one. For
some, walking down ‘the straight and narrow’ is their first choice – their
natural bent. Unfortunately, for me, it’s not.
Since I’ve been married, I have come face-to-face with the
root of my bad decisions. For a long time, I saw each bad decision or each
emotional struggle as something completely separate from all of the others. Today,
however, I believe they are all a little more connected than I originally
thought.
You see, about five months ago, I hit a rough patch.
I was newly married and transitioning through a lot of
change. At the same time, I felt spiritually disconnected, unmotivated to
follow Christ, and distracted when it came to the meaning of life. My mind kept
fixating on lies, and my actions were beginning to respond to them, as well. I
knew I didn’t want to be in the place that I was, but both my heart and my head
weren’t ready to move anywhere else. I was frustrated. I felt stuck.
On a flight to Dallas, I opened up a book written by Timothy
Keller entitled “Counterfeit Gods,” and I finally took a step forward.
“Idolatry is always the reason we ever do anything wrong…there is something you feel you must have to be happy, something that is more important to your heart than God himself. We would not lie unless we first had something – human approval, reputation, power over others, financial advantage – more important and valuable to our hearts than the grace and favor of God. The secret to change is to identify and dismantle the counterfeit gods of your heart.”
I was in awe.
I put the book down and immediately started reflecting on
the sin in my life.
Where do I normally stumble? Where do I typically give in to
the desires of my flesh instead of the Spirit? I thought of few things and then
asked myself more questions. Why do I stumble in those places? What motivates
me to make the bad decisions I make?
It didn’t take me long to identify three reasons. Three
idols. Three “counterfeit gods”:
First, there’s adoration
and acceptance.
Most of the sin in my life is rooted in the desire to
be well liked by others, to fit in, or to be considered as awesome. (Who
doesn’t like to be awesome?)
It typically leads to jealousy, competitiveness, or trying
to get the attention of others through superficial things. In the past, it led
me to find meaning in how much attention I could get from guys or in how
‘fit/skinny’ I was. Today, I find
myself saying things I shouldn’t or comparing myself to others in a way that is
not glorifying to Christ. I can easily crave the acceptance and praise of
others over the acceptance and love of God. (Which I know He provides.)
Secondly, there’s self.
Often times, I just want to do what I want to do, when I
want to do it. It’s selfishness at its finest. It’s thinking I’m more important
than the other people in my life.
This idol pops up when I’m in line at the grocery store and
the woman in front of me won’t stop talking to the cashier when I want to check
out. I get frustrated, and it’s obvious. It’s also apparent when my husband
wants to go over our finances, and I choose to get distracted with something
else. Instead of honoring him and serving him by giving him my full attention,
I do what I want. (I don’t like numbers.)
Any time I don’t do the good I know I ought to do, the idol
of self is to blame.
Lastly, and quite possibly the most disgusting of them all,
is pleasure.
It’s seeking happiness in the moment instead of what’s
right.
Eating too much dessert, being lazy instead of being
productive, spending too much time on Facebook instead of spending time doing
things on my to-do list. Yuck!
Idols are funny. We worship them, but then make bad
decisions or experience bondage on their behalf. We are broken people.
Identifying the deep idols in life was huge for me. I began
keeping a list of all of times I was swayed by each idol, and I was amazed at
how influential they all were. I experienced a lot of freedom through this
process as I confessed and asked for God’s help with each one.
I wish I could say that today, after discovering the idols
of my heart and confessing them to God, I am idol free, but it’s just not the
case. Even though I feel as though the Lord has helped me give certain areas
over to Him, which has decreased the power of some of my idols, I still
struggle.
Proverbs 14:12 reads like this: “There is a way that seems
right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.”
Today, I can say that I want freedom from my idols (which
was not where I was several months ago), but at the same time, I want all of
the things that I think my idols will secure for me. I still want the
popularity and praise from those in my life that adoration and acceptance
brings. I still want the comfort of selfishness and the temporary happiness and
relief I find in pursuing paths for pleasure. At the same time, I know these
things lead to death. We were not created to life our lives for ourselves. Sin
kills.
Romans 8:6 reads: “The mind of sinful man is death, but the
mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace.”
Jesus’ words in Mark 8:35 read: “If anyone would come after
me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants
to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the
gospel will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet
forfeit his soul?”
I know that following Christ means abandoning my self and my
own order of doing things. God created me and He designed life. He has a way He
intended life to be lived, and that design includes Him being my only God. In
order to follow Christ, and live a life of peace, I must fall in love with
following Him with every area of my heart – even the ones currently possessed
by idols. The problem is, it feels scary, and I like comfort. (See idol number
2.)
As I seek to loosen my grip on the idols in my life, and I
struggle with the fear involved in doing so, I must remember there’s a solution.
I’m not alone in my wrestling, nor am I alone in my attempt to be more like
Christ. He made a way for victory.
Let’s go to Numbers 16:41-50. I think it paints the picture
well.
In this passage, the Israelites are still wondering through
the dessert under the leadership of Moses and Aaron. Instead of trusting God
with the leaders He appointed (Moses and Aaron), all of the Israelites
“grumbled” against them. They grumbled against God. They wanted to do things
their own way. They didn’t want to live under the authority of the Lord.
So God chose to give them what they wanted – life apart from
Him. God sent a plague.
“Then Moses said to Aaron, ‘Take your censer and put incense in it, along with fire from the altar, and hurry to the assembly to make atonement for them.’ So Aaron did as Moses said, and ran into the midst of the assembly. The plague had already started among the people, but Aaron offered the incense and made atonement for them. He stood between the living and the dead, and the plague stopped” (vs. 46-48).
Just like Aaron (the one God appointed to make sacrifices
for the sins of the community) stood in between life and death for the
Israelites, Christ stood in between life and death for you and me. Christ,
through His death on the cross and His resurrection from the dead, bridged the
gap for us. For those who genuinely believe in Him, the plague of death has
stopped. We have been rescued.
Seeing the sin in your own life and wishing it wasn’t there
is hard. Trying to rid your self of it is impossible. It is only accomplished
through the work of God himself, and a willing and submissive heart.
As I sit here wrestling with the goodness of God, and the
temptation to choose my idols over Him, I am encouraged to not give into death.
“Fear the Lord, you his saints, for those who fear him lack
nothing. The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the Lord lack
no good thing” (Psalm 34:9&10).
He is the giver of life. He gives us abundantly what we
need. We can seek to let our idols rule, but in the end, they will only fail
us. We can put all of our energy into our idols, but they will only lead to
sin, which, if you think about it, is a waste of energy. If we want, we can
keep depending upon our “counterfeit gods,” while still claiming that we
believe that Christ is enough, but it will only lead to death. There’s no
debate about it.
“This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and cruses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers…” (Deuteronomy 30:19&20).
May we all abandon our idols, and all of the gods we
worship, so that we may choose life with the only God there is.
