It Never Runs Out on Me

Right now, there are about 10 other things I should be doing. From wedding shower thank you cards to laundry, the list is in desperate need of attention…but I’m sitting here, computer in lap, typing out my thoughts.

I haven’t written in a while – and tonight is the night.  

Since the last time I wrote, I got engaged, started planning a wedding, and moved out of an apartment I loved and shared with one of the coolest people ever. Things have felt pretty crazy, and all of the transition has come with a lot of different emotions. It’s been a lonely season and one that has shown me just how desperately I need the Lord to sustain and comfort me. Through responding badly to random frustrations or pride in thinking that I know the best way to handle things, I have definitely had my fair share of humbling moments. On top of this, I feel pretty apathetic in my walk with the Lord. My vision seems clouded, and I don’t have the drive I used to have to really know and follow Him.

It’s discouraging – and I hate talking (or typing) about it.

If I’m being honest, part of me wants to pretend. I want to put on an act that convinces you that I’m on fire for the Lord and am passionate about following Him, but, right now, I don’t feel that way, and I don’t think it’s worth lying to you. Why?

Two reasons:

1. Being real is beautiful.

Several years back, I was walking around the Texas Tech campus listening to a Podcast from Watermark Community Church. On the podcast, several people stood up and told the congregation about how the Lord had rescued them from chaos and pain to deliver them into a life lived in reliance upon Him. I was deeply moved.

Each person that spoke took responsibility for their actions, explained the path their decisions took them down, and even confessed the underlying condition of their heart. It was a dramatic moment for me. As I walked to my class in tears, I remember thanking the Lord for his grace and the way he used the honesty of others to remind me of it.

When we act like we have it all together, we miss out on opportunities to show others just how big the love of our God is.

Today, as I sit here with a heart that feels lazy, entitled, and okay with being lukewarm, I know that the Lord wants more of me. He desires all of me. Even in my selfishness and desire for control, He sees me as someone worth pursuing. He loves me as I am and loves me enough to mold me into a person who looks to Him alone for life.

Even if your pride (I’m included in this “your”) and arrogance stops you (again, I’m included here) from being honest with others, the Lord always knows where you are. The challenge is getting over yourself and the image you try to keep and letting others in on the messy parts of your life.  We all have them.

I truly believe the Lord uses honesty.

2.  The lessons learned in the not-so-fun seasons are worth sharing with others.

Again, this season hasn’t been easy. I’ve felt my flesh bite at me and I’ve wanted, more times than not, to give in. At times, the emotion in my heart has felt so overwhelming that I have not been able to step outside of it. I’ve responded poorly…almost every time. 

A couple of weeks ago, I came across this verse, and it hit me in the face:

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on a rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against the house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who build his house on the sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash” (Matthew 7: 24-27).

I want to be someone who has a firm foundation. I want to be assured that when a storm comes, my life will be secure and I will be unwavering.

The trial comes in my response to the storms.

When I feel overwhelmed by loneliness or when I feel aggravated when things aren’t going the way I want them to, I have to remember that I made a commitment to follow Christ. My emotions are not bad, for even God is an emotional God, but it’s how I respond that matters in the end. Do I let the storms in my life create a storm in my heart that leads me to destruct my self and others? Or do I break and crumble in every situation I don’t like and can’t control?

The Word challenges me to put into practice that which I’ve heard and read in its pages. Those pages tell me to trust the Lord and not worry about tomorrow (Matthew 6:34). They tell me to be patient and joyful in the midst of hardship (Romans 5:3-5), and to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). They tell me that the Lord loves us and because of this love He has compassion on us (Lamentations 3:22), and that the Lord is worth relying on (2 Timothy 2:13).

I must step back, breath out, pray, and put into practice the things the Lord entrusts to me. He’s certain and can be trusted. To be firm in my faith, I must let Him be my certainty and the rock on which I build my life.

Several months ago, I went through a pretty big trial in my life. I remember, on several occasions, lying in bed unable to sleep when all of a sudden I would start humming, and then singing, this song – and it brought a little comfort to my heavy heart.

“Higher than the mountains that I face,

Stronger than the power of the grave,

Constant through the trial and the change,

One thing remains.

One thing remains.

Your love never fails,

It never gives up,

It never runs out on me.

Your love never fails,

It never gives up,

It never runs out on me.”

-“One Thing Remains.” Jesus Culture.

Exhale and let that soak in…

I don’t know where you are, but just in case you are, or ever have been, where I am today, I wanted to offer you a bit of encouragement.

The Lord loves us. He sees us – mistakes, failures, accomplishments, and all – and stands with open arms asking us to give him our lives. He didn’t save us when we were perfect; in fact, he told us that he came to heal the sick.

What a loving God He is! He chose me when I could do nothing for Him. I ran and He chased me.

Whatever you’re going through, know that He’s faithful. In your pride and satisfaction with living life the way you want, he doesn’t change. In your sorrow, he’s still the same.

His love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on…

Take comfort. 

Music, a Friend, and Thomas

I go through seasons where music really impacts me. I’m not sure why some seasons do over others, but I do know that for some odd reason it’s true. Perhaps, I’m more emotional in some seasons and less emotional in others, or maybe I just stop and listen every once in a while. I don’t know, but I’d say I’m in one of those seasons now. Music has really been encouraging my heart lately.

Earlier this week, I was driving to work when “Any Other Way” by Tenth Avenue North came over the speakers in my car. I turned up the volume on my iPod and began singing along – until I noticed what I was singing. 

I was absolutely amazed at the truth in the lyrics. I put the song on repeat. Here’s a piece of it:

“I want to know who you are,

Even if you’re falling apart.

Reach in and touch your scars,

And all the shame you’ve held in your heart.

‘Cause it’s not enough,

It’s not enough,

Just to say that you’re okay.

I need your hurt,

I need your pain.

It’s not love any other way.

Let’s not pretend.

Stop your parade,

Trying to convince me,

That you’re alright,

That everything’s okay.

Yea, do you even know me?

‘Cause I already know who you are,

And all the things that kept us apart.

So reach in and touch my scars,

And know the price I paid for your heart.”

Wow! The song is a dialogue from God to us, and it’s saying to stop the act. It’s commanding that we stop pretending like we’ve got it all figured out and that we’re “independent” and without need. It’s absolutely moving.

He wants us to come to Him with our hurt and pain. He wants us to come to Him in need. He wants us to be real with Him.

That’s pretty refreshing.

About a year-and-a-half ago, I had the opportunity to meet with a woman who was really struggling with guilt, shame and hopelessness. As my friend and I met with her, we realized that in her feelings of self-disapproval, she had completely withdrawn from the Lord. She didn’t understand how the God who created the universe and sent his Son to die on the cross for our sins would still love her in light of everything in her past. She didn’t understand why He was keeping her alive. She felt useless, alone, and completely depressed. She had given up on seeking the Lord because she felt as though He wouldn’t accept her.

A couple of hours into the conversation, my friend and I encouraged her to pray. We each prayed for her, and then she, through her tears, told the Lord how she was feeling. She confessed her fear in thinking He wouldn’t listen. She confessed how lost and low she had become.

She laid it all out there – and, to be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone’s life change faster than hers has.

Today, she is truly an encouragement to those around her as she loves and serves. She is no longer stuck in the guilt and shame of her past (though sometimes, she might be reminded of it), but has surrendered it to the Lord. She opened herself up. She told the Lord where she was. She was honest and real. She was vulnerable with the King of Kings and Creator of the world. She allowed the Lord to reach inside her and touch the pain she was bottling up within – and He changed her heart.

The amazing thing about this is that God has always worked this way. The way that He moved, and is still moving, in my friend’s life, is the same way He’s always moved. God knows us. He finds us where we are, in the midst of our doubts, and meets our needs.

Take the disciple Thomas for example…

Jesus rises from the dead in John 20 and begins appearing to his disciples. First he appears to Mary Magdalene and then to a smaller group of men. That small group then tells one of their friends, Thomas, about seeing Jesus – and he doesn’t believe them. He thinks they are crazy.

Here’s how I see it…

Imagine that the person who had influenced your life most had been executed for a crime they didn’t commit…That’s where Thomas was. Jesus, his teacher and Lord, had been crucified. Even though Jesus had previously told his disciples that their grief would turn to joy (John 16:20), Thomas was probably pretty upset. I assume he felt a little defeated and was, most definitely, in doubt over whether or not Jesus would rise from the dead. He was stuck in disbelief. Until…

“A week later his disciples (the one’s Jesus appeared to after Mary) were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, ‘Peace be with you!’ Then he said to Thomas, ‘Put your fingers here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.’ Thomas said to Him, ‘My Lord and my God!’” (John 20:26-28)

Jesus knew Thomas’ doubts and delivered him from them.  He knew what Thomas needed to believe and He pursued him until he did.

Where are you? Do you feel alone, depressed, hopeless, or scared? Let Him know.

“O Lord, you have searched me and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;

You perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;

You are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue

You know it completely, O Lord” (Psalm 139:1-4).

He knows us already. He knows what we need to grow. He knew Thomas needed to see his scars – the nail marks in his hands and the wound from the sword that pierced his side – and He met that need.

I think there’s this supernatural thing that happens during prayer. Even though the Lord knows everything about us including what we’re thinking and what we are on the verge of praying, He still commands us to do it. He wants us to pray. Why? I think He wants us to humble ourselves and willingly allow Him to know us. He wants us to invite Him into our thoughts. He wants us to tell Him how we are feeling. He wants to know us – and He wants us to know Him. He wants us to take our fears and doubts and lay them down at his feet.

He knew my friend just like He knew Thomas. He saw the hurt and doubt, and He showed himself to them. He knows you, too. He is able. Nothing is beyond Him.

He wants a relationship with us. He loves us. He’s committed to us. He wants us to trust Him. Wherever you are and whatever you’re facing, He’s there. Draw near and be real.

“Cause when I'm weak, You make me strong
When I'm blind, You shine Your light on me
Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability
How refreshing to know You don't need me
How amazing to find that you want me
So I'll stand on Your truth, and I'll fight with Your strength
Until You bring the victory, by the power of Christ in me.”

-        Casting Crowns “In Me” 

The Importance of "Only"

“The thief comes ONLY to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life and have it to the full” (John 10:10).

I have heard this verse, and have read it myself, several times over, but it wasn’t until a couple of days ago that I fully grasped what it is saying. For some reason, in the past, my ears have failed to hear and my eyes have failed to read the word “only” – and, to be honest, I think it’s a big word to miss.

Let me start with a story…

My first job out of college was working as a Project Coordinator for a Seattle-based marketing company. I learned lots of fun (and not-so-fun things) while working there, but one of my favorite moments of each day was when the FedEx guy would walk into my office and update me on his life. Each day, David would come through the door, walk up to my desk, put down the packages he was delivering, hand me the tablet to sign, and then fill me in on everything that happened since he had left the day before. He was always energetic and, was therefore, entertaining to listen to. From camping trips with his daughter to date nights with his girlfriend, he was always up to something.

What’s my point here?

As fun as talking with David was, the truth is, we were only friends because he brought packages to the company I worked for. David’s ONLY job was to bring me boxes, and my ONLY job with him was to sign for them. He was assigned the duty of delivery, and I was assigned the duty of receiving. That’s it.

What’s my real point here?

John 10:10 says that the enemy’s ONLY objective is to steal, kill and destroy. That’s his mission statement. His goal each day is to rob us of life. That’s it. That’s all he does. He isn’t trying to do anything else. In fact, he can’t do anything else because he’s that evil. He ONLY steals, kills and destroys.

As I meditated on this, I thought about how I’ve seen the enemy attempt to steal life from me. He’s crafty (Genesis 3:1) and he seeks to destroy (1 Peter 5:8). He sees my desire to follow the Lord, and he wants to stop me. He wants to take life from me – and he wants me to lose. He wants failure for me. Why? Because he doesn’t want God to get glory. He wants the fame – and he fights to get it. The enemy wants my mind, my heart, and my life – and he wants yours, too.

Intense? Totally! Scary? If you’re a believer, no.

The Word says there is confidence and security in Christ: “I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand” (John 10:28). Satan, the enemy, longs to destroy us. He wants to kill us…slowly…and in the most miserable way. Jesus, our Savior, wants to give us life, and He won’t give us up. We find ourselves being fought for. We find ourselves in a battle.

There have been times in my life where I have crumbled in insecurity, obsessive thoughts, or feelings of inadequacy in my relationship with the Lord or others. I am realizing, as my life goes on and I struggle through various hardships, that the enemy purposefully attacks me so that I get stuck and thrown off track. In these moments, I get turned around and start to focus on me, how I feel, and what I think, instead of what the Word tells me about God and the life he created me to live.

He robs me of life and joy.

That’s his tactic and my response must not be self-pity, or a drive to control, but an effort to fight. I must press against him and run to what’s true. I must remind myself that I’m not the enemy’s, but that I’ve been bought with a price. I’m the Lord’s. The enemy can’t have me.

We are commanded to fight : “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done EVERYTHING, to stand. Stand firm…” (Ephesians 6:10-14).

Satan wants us, but he can’t have us (John 10:28). If we are the Lord’s (meaning that we have placed our trust in the fact that He alone is God, and we can’t save ourselves but must trust in the cross which paid the price for our sins), then we are saved. He can’t steal us from God, for God holds power over the enemy. We must fight. Lean into the Lord. Ask him to search you and take away any false dependency, identity, lie or addiction from you so that you can grasp the power that’s at hand through His death and resurrection. (See John 11:25 &26.)

God’s word doesn’t say that Satan “sometimes” robs us of life. The Word says he ONLY robs us of life. That’s a lot different. So anytime we have a thought that isn’t of the Lord (obsessive worry, self-criticalness, or impurity), we must confess it. We must ask Him to help us and teach us to take Him at His word. When we lack in faith or trust, we must ask for it because our reaction to the temptations and hardships in our lives are crucial.

If the enemy ONLY lies, our response must be to disprove the lies he throws at us.

“See, I set before you today life and prosperity, death and destruction. For I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in his ways, and to keep his commands, decrees, and laws; then you will live and increase, and the Lord your God will bless you in the land you are entering to possess” (Deuteronomy 30:15&16).

The enemy takes, but the Lord gives. Choose life over death. It’s harder at certain times than others, but keep going. The Lord is faithful, and He’s good. He loves you. Trust Him.

Misery and MEGA Change

I’m not going to lie. I haven’t been in the writing mood much over the past few months (as you can see from my lack of posts). The reason? I’m not sure. I mean, it’s not like there hasn’t been a handful of important and/or memorable events to write about. From Christmas, concerts, a great trip to Boston with Caleb, playing roadie for an all-women country music showcase, the loss of someone close to my family, the wedding of one of my close friends, a car wreck, and accepting a new job, you’d think I’d find inspiration somewhere! It just didn’t hit…until this morning.

As I hinted at above, I recently accepted a new job. I start on Monday, and I am super excited for the new opportunity at hand (I’ll be doing outreach marketing for a local hospital). The only thing that weighs in the back of my mind is the exit I have to make from working at a place I love so much – Watermark Community Church. Over the past year-and-a-half, I have experienced so much life change from just being a part of the staff team there. It’s hard to imagine not going there every day of the week.

I remember walking through the doors on day one so uncertain of what my time here would look like. With training in various aspects of college ministry and marketing, I knew that Watermark would be a positive experience, but I had NO idea how that positivity would develop. You see, in the summer of 2010 (when I came on staff), I was still deeply struggling with obsessive thoughts toward exercise, and the desire to restrict my food intake to control the way I felt about myself. Not only that, but during my first six months there, I struggled with the deepest season of insecurity I had faced since high school.

I was miserable, and I wanted out.

Through these things, and a few others, I realized that there were many areas in my heart that the Lord needed to work on, and I was learning for the first time ever that thinking I could fix myself was not only arrogant, but also fruitless. My white-knuckled efforts only landed me in the same spot I had been the week, month or year before. Leaning into Christ was the only way I could go. Exposing the lies I had believed to myself, confessing them to the Lord and to others, and then running to the truth in scripture to combat them was the only thing I could do. I am forever grateful for this lesson. It has reshaped the way I see sanctification and the type of effort I should have in it.

I also realized that when you’re stuck on yourself – trying to fix yourself and focusing on what others think of you instead of the acceptance you have in Christ as a believer – you miss out on the amazing opportunity to love others. The Lord performed heart surgery on me by tackling the areas in my life that he wanted to transform and, because of it, I was freed up to deeply enjoy the people I interacted with from day to day.

At Watermark, I work in something everyone calls the MEGA Cube (the MEGA, for short). The MEGA is giant cube that consists of six smaller cubes housing all of the Community and Connecting Admins – and it’s pretty much THE place to be! Over the past couple of years, the personalities within the cube have changed, but the friendships in it have persevered. From Crystal to Tucker, Dana to Erin, Amanda, Lauren and me, the laughter is abundant, and the discussions are both intentional and entertaining. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t laugh really hard – and there are several memories that play out in my head on a regular basis that I hope to never forget: Volunteer-shoe-fix-it day with Dana, the Balloon War with Amanda, Winagetasung, creating a fake email account and emailing my boss asking random questions….the list goes on. I will truly miss the people this cube holds. I’ll miss Lauren’s gentleness and her ability to tune-in and work through the chaos going on around her. I’ll miss Tucker’s ability to talk about anything for a really long time and her knowledge of random deep-Southern traditions. Erin’s smile and concern for others makes each day a little brighter, and if you don’t know my friend Crystal, you should because she’s smarter than the smartest person you know and she uses the best metaphors while telling stories. Man, I’ll really miss Amanda’s ability to turn any topic into something exciting and the way that Dana sees, understands, and meets people right where they are. I can already tell this transition is going to be harder than I thought…

If there’s one thing I’ve learned here, it’s that people and the relationships we have with them are quite possibly the greatest gift the Lord gives us on earth.

“Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything” (1 John 3:18 – 20).

Make the most of the friendships you have. Learn how to love well. Watch how Christ is committed to you, and commit to loving others. Step outside of the rules you try to keep and the things you wish you could change about yourself, and focus on the fact that he’s made you to be you – not anyone else. If you know Christ and the payment he paid on the cross for your sins, if your head knowledge of this payment and the grace he gives outside of your own merit or effort transfers to your heart, then please believe Him when he says you’re fully loved and fully accepted. It changes the way you see things.

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38&39).