Depending...but not on myself.

There’s one message that I’ve been hearing loud and clear lately: “Depend on Me.”

When I say I’ve heard this, I don’t mean in some loud, audible voice, but rather, I mean, in a constant, every-time-you-read-you’re-going-to-get-to-this-point type of way. You know what I’m talking about? Every deeply focused conversation, every time I see the brokenness in my own life and in the lives around me, and every time I pick up the Bible, I am gently reminded of the same thing…

We are desperate people who can only make it through life with a sincere dependence upon the Lord. (And by ‘make it through life’ I don’t mean merely survive – for all of us can do that to a certain extent. I mean live a life that points others toward a God of grace, love, and eternal life. I mean to live life in a way that outlives you – that has an eternal impact that reaches beyond yourself. That’s what I mean…)

Life has been moving pretty fast for the past several months (which is probably the reason why I haven’t updated my blog in a while). I got married (on December 29^th), went on a SWEET honeymoon to Puerto Rico, moved to Boston, and began living in 600 square foot apartment with Mr. Weatherl, my husband. Between the wedding festivities and living with a man for the first time in my life, things have been...well...a little all over the place.

(I have to confess that the funniest moment post-honeymoon has been trying to explain to my husband what a duvet cover is. Hint to all future wives: Just tell him it’s a pillowcase for a comforter.)

Anyways…

Last Thursday, I felt defeated. Marriage felt hard. Being a woman felt hard. Past struggles started to creep back up, and all I wanted to do was…I don’t know…watch a movie or something. Since it was the beginning of the day, I had the notion that I should do something more productive with my time and work to redirect my thoughts on something beyond myself and the way I was feeling.

I opened the Bible and was encouraged by what I read.

“Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked…but whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on his law day and night. That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither – whatever they do prospers” (Psalm 1:1-3).

Refreshing.

I want to live this way. I want to live a life that is strong, one that is fruitful (brings nourishment to others), and one that draws people toward the Lord, but, if I’m being honest with you (as I am being), this isn’t the way I’ve been living lately.

Marriage has made this clear to me.

I can be passive aggressive at times. I can use my tongue to say destructive things rather than constructive things. I lack gratitude for the things the Lord has blessed me with – and the things He has withheld from me. I often times turn to coping mechanisms to deal with frustration and anger instead of Jesus and his ability to help me.

I end up lost and feeling like I’m stuck in an endless cycle of bad decisions and bad attitudes – and I don’t know how to get it to stop.

The magic word is dependence.

Psalm 1 doesn’t tell me how to fix myself, but instead encourages me to focus on Jesus. Psalm 1 doesn’t ‘dog’ on me and tell me I’m not doing good enough, it just reminds me to think about how the Lord is enough.  Psalm 1 tells me that there’s blessing in walking with the Lord. By walking with the Lord, even if hard things happen and everything in life seems to be going in the opposite direction than I had planned, there’s a deep down assurance that He’s in control and, ultimately, I am going to experience life to the maximum capacity in Heaven. While I’m here on earth, though, the goal is to delight in Him (and if I don’t, I should pray that I do).

Rejoice in who He is, what He’s done, and what He’s doing.

Meditate on Him, think about Him, and don’t just compartmentalize Him to one part of your day. 

Let Him own your day…every day.

Don’t make of a list of dos and don’ts – just depend on Him, and He’ll grow me.

You see, my life was once marked by chaos and distance from God, which meant that my destiny was not looking great, but because of Jesus, and His ability to call my heart to His, my life has been flipped around and set in a different direction.

My relationship with God started with dependence. It started with the surrendering of myself and the way I had been doing things for a new way of life – a new way of thinking. It started by seeing the sacrifice that Jesus made on the cross and believing that it was the ultimate and most perfect sacrifice that could be made for mankind, and placing my trust in it. Salvation didn’t come to me through self-dependence or my own ability to be good enough – it came through believing He was enough.  

Today, as I’m navigating through life, dependence is still the goal.

When I feel lonely because I miss my Dallas friends and just want to be upset about it, I must depend on Him to comfort me. When I feel confused about the direction to take job wise, I must depend and trust in His ability to lead me. When I don’t know how to handle marital conflict or how to be an encouraging wife, I must depend on Him to humble me and open my eyes to all of the wonderful things happening around me.  

Dependence. It’s always been dependence.

Oh, how quickly I forget. 

It Never Runs Out on Me

Right now, there are about 10 other things I should be doing. From wedding shower thank you cards to laundry, the list is in desperate need of attention…but I’m sitting here, computer in lap, typing out my thoughts.

I haven’t written in a while – and tonight is the night.  

Since the last time I wrote, I got engaged, started planning a wedding, and moved out of an apartment I loved and shared with one of the coolest people ever. Things have felt pretty crazy, and all of the transition has come with a lot of different emotions. It’s been a lonely season and one that has shown me just how desperately I need the Lord to sustain and comfort me. Through responding badly to random frustrations or pride in thinking that I know the best way to handle things, I have definitely had my fair share of humbling moments. On top of this, I feel pretty apathetic in my walk with the Lord. My vision seems clouded, and I don’t have the drive I used to have to really know and follow Him.

It’s discouraging – and I hate talking (or typing) about it.

If I’m being honest, part of me wants to pretend. I want to put on an act that convinces you that I’m on fire for the Lord and am passionate about following Him, but, right now, I don’t feel that way, and I don’t think it’s worth lying to you. Why?

Two reasons:

1. Being real is beautiful.

Several years back, I was walking around the Texas Tech campus listening to a Podcast from Watermark Community Church. On the podcast, several people stood up and told the congregation about how the Lord had rescued them from chaos and pain to deliver them into a life lived in reliance upon Him. I was deeply moved.

Each person that spoke took responsibility for their actions, explained the path their decisions took them down, and even confessed the underlying condition of their heart. It was a dramatic moment for me. As I walked to my class in tears, I remember thanking the Lord for his grace and the way he used the honesty of others to remind me of it.

When we act like we have it all together, we miss out on opportunities to show others just how big the love of our God is.

Today, as I sit here with a heart that feels lazy, entitled, and okay with being lukewarm, I know that the Lord wants more of me. He desires all of me. Even in my selfishness and desire for control, He sees me as someone worth pursuing. He loves me as I am and loves me enough to mold me into a person who looks to Him alone for life.

Even if your pride (I’m included in this “your”) and arrogance stops you (again, I’m included here) from being honest with others, the Lord always knows where you are. The challenge is getting over yourself and the image you try to keep and letting others in on the messy parts of your life.  We all have them.

I truly believe the Lord uses honesty.

2.  The lessons learned in the not-so-fun seasons are worth sharing with others.

Again, this season hasn’t been easy. I’ve felt my flesh bite at me and I’ve wanted, more times than not, to give in. At times, the emotion in my heart has felt so overwhelming that I have not been able to step outside of it. I’ve responded poorly…almost every time. 

A couple of weeks ago, I came across this verse, and it hit me in the face:

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on a rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against the house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who build his house on the sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash” (Matthew 7: 24-27).

I want to be someone who has a firm foundation. I want to be assured that when a storm comes, my life will be secure and I will be unwavering.

The trial comes in my response to the storms.

When I feel overwhelmed by loneliness or when I feel aggravated when things aren’t going the way I want them to, I have to remember that I made a commitment to follow Christ. My emotions are not bad, for even God is an emotional God, but it’s how I respond that matters in the end. Do I let the storms in my life create a storm in my heart that leads me to destruct my self and others? Or do I break and crumble in every situation I don’t like and can’t control?

The Word challenges me to put into practice that which I’ve heard and read in its pages. Those pages tell me to trust the Lord and not worry about tomorrow (Matthew 6:34). They tell me to be patient and joyful in the midst of hardship (Romans 5:3-5), and to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). They tell me that the Lord loves us and because of this love He has compassion on us (Lamentations 3:22), and that the Lord is worth relying on (2 Timothy 2:13).

I must step back, breath out, pray, and put into practice the things the Lord entrusts to me. He’s certain and can be trusted. To be firm in my faith, I must let Him be my certainty and the rock on which I build my life.

Several months ago, I went through a pretty big trial in my life. I remember, on several occasions, lying in bed unable to sleep when all of a sudden I would start humming, and then singing, this song – and it brought a little comfort to my heavy heart.

“Higher than the mountains that I face,

Stronger than the power of the grave,

Constant through the trial and the change,

One thing remains.

One thing remains.

Your love never fails,

It never gives up,

It never runs out on me.

Your love never fails,

It never gives up,

It never runs out on me.”

-“One Thing Remains.” Jesus Culture.

Exhale and let that soak in…

I don’t know where you are, but just in case you are, or ever have been, where I am today, I wanted to offer you a bit of encouragement.

The Lord loves us. He sees us – mistakes, failures, accomplishments, and all – and stands with open arms asking us to give him our lives. He didn’t save us when we were perfect; in fact, he told us that he came to heal the sick.

What a loving God He is! He chose me when I could do nothing for Him. I ran and He chased me.

Whatever you’re going through, know that He’s faithful. In your pride and satisfaction with living life the way you want, he doesn’t change. In your sorrow, he’s still the same.

His love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on…

Take comfort. 

Music, a Friend, and Thomas

I go through seasons where music really impacts me. I’m not sure why some seasons do over others, but I do know that for some odd reason it’s true. Perhaps, I’m more emotional in some seasons and less emotional in others, or maybe I just stop and listen every once in a while. I don’t know, but I’d say I’m in one of those seasons now. Music has really been encouraging my heart lately.

Earlier this week, I was driving to work when “Any Other Way” by Tenth Avenue North came over the speakers in my car. I turned up the volume on my iPod and began singing along – until I noticed what I was singing. 

I was absolutely amazed at the truth in the lyrics. I put the song on repeat. Here’s a piece of it:

“I want to know who you are,

Even if you’re falling apart.

Reach in and touch your scars,

And all the shame you’ve held in your heart.

‘Cause it’s not enough,

It’s not enough,

Just to say that you’re okay.

I need your hurt,

I need your pain.

It’s not love any other way.

Let’s not pretend.

Stop your parade,

Trying to convince me,

That you’re alright,

That everything’s okay.

Yea, do you even know me?

‘Cause I already know who you are,

And all the things that kept us apart.

So reach in and touch my scars,

And know the price I paid for your heart.”

Wow! The song is a dialogue from God to us, and it’s saying to stop the act. It’s commanding that we stop pretending like we’ve got it all figured out and that we’re “independent” and without need. It’s absolutely moving.

He wants us to come to Him with our hurt and pain. He wants us to come to Him in need. He wants us to be real with Him.

That’s pretty refreshing.

About a year-and-a-half ago, I had the opportunity to meet with a woman who was really struggling with guilt, shame and hopelessness. As my friend and I met with her, we realized that in her feelings of self-disapproval, she had completely withdrawn from the Lord. She didn’t understand how the God who created the universe and sent his Son to die on the cross for our sins would still love her in light of everything in her past. She didn’t understand why He was keeping her alive. She felt useless, alone, and completely depressed. She had given up on seeking the Lord because she felt as though He wouldn’t accept her.

A couple of hours into the conversation, my friend and I encouraged her to pray. We each prayed for her, and then she, through her tears, told the Lord how she was feeling. She confessed her fear in thinking He wouldn’t listen. She confessed how lost and low she had become.

She laid it all out there – and, to be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone’s life change faster than hers has.

Today, she is truly an encouragement to those around her as she loves and serves. She is no longer stuck in the guilt and shame of her past (though sometimes, she might be reminded of it), but has surrendered it to the Lord. She opened herself up. She told the Lord where she was. She was honest and real. She was vulnerable with the King of Kings and Creator of the world. She allowed the Lord to reach inside her and touch the pain she was bottling up within – and He changed her heart.

The amazing thing about this is that God has always worked this way. The way that He moved, and is still moving, in my friend’s life, is the same way He’s always moved. God knows us. He finds us where we are, in the midst of our doubts, and meets our needs.

Take the disciple Thomas for example…

Jesus rises from the dead in John 20 and begins appearing to his disciples. First he appears to Mary Magdalene and then to a smaller group of men. That small group then tells one of their friends, Thomas, about seeing Jesus – and he doesn’t believe them. He thinks they are crazy.

Here’s how I see it…

Imagine that the person who had influenced your life most had been executed for a crime they didn’t commit…That’s where Thomas was. Jesus, his teacher and Lord, had been crucified. Even though Jesus had previously told his disciples that their grief would turn to joy (John 16:20), Thomas was probably pretty upset. I assume he felt a little defeated and was, most definitely, in doubt over whether or not Jesus would rise from the dead. He was stuck in disbelief. Until…

“A week later his disciples (the one’s Jesus appeared to after Mary) were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, ‘Peace be with you!’ Then he said to Thomas, ‘Put your fingers here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.’ Thomas said to Him, ‘My Lord and my God!’” (John 20:26-28)

Jesus knew Thomas’ doubts and delivered him from them.  He knew what Thomas needed to believe and He pursued him until he did.

Where are you? Do you feel alone, depressed, hopeless, or scared? Let Him know.

“O Lord, you have searched me and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;

You perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;

You are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue

You know it completely, O Lord” (Psalm 139:1-4).

He knows us already. He knows what we need to grow. He knew Thomas needed to see his scars – the nail marks in his hands and the wound from the sword that pierced his side – and He met that need.

I think there’s this supernatural thing that happens during prayer. Even though the Lord knows everything about us including what we’re thinking and what we are on the verge of praying, He still commands us to do it. He wants us to pray. Why? I think He wants us to humble ourselves and willingly allow Him to know us. He wants us to invite Him into our thoughts. He wants us to tell Him how we are feeling. He wants to know us – and He wants us to know Him. He wants us to take our fears and doubts and lay them down at his feet.

He knew my friend just like He knew Thomas. He saw the hurt and doubt, and He showed himself to them. He knows you, too. He is able. Nothing is beyond Him.

He wants a relationship with us. He loves us. He’s committed to us. He wants us to trust Him. Wherever you are and whatever you’re facing, He’s there. Draw near and be real.

“Cause when I'm weak, You make me strong
When I'm blind, You shine Your light on me
Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability
How refreshing to know You don't need me
How amazing to find that you want me
So I'll stand on Your truth, and I'll fight with Your strength
Until You bring the victory, by the power of Christ in me.”

-        Casting Crowns “In Me” 

The Importance of "Only"

“The thief comes ONLY to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life and have it to the full” (John 10:10).

I have heard this verse, and have read it myself, several times over, but it wasn’t until a couple of days ago that I fully grasped what it is saying. For some reason, in the past, my ears have failed to hear and my eyes have failed to read the word “only” – and, to be honest, I think it’s a big word to miss.

Let me start with a story…

My first job out of college was working as a Project Coordinator for a Seattle-based marketing company. I learned lots of fun (and not-so-fun things) while working there, but one of my favorite moments of each day was when the FedEx guy would walk into my office and update me on his life. Each day, David would come through the door, walk up to my desk, put down the packages he was delivering, hand me the tablet to sign, and then fill me in on everything that happened since he had left the day before. He was always energetic and, was therefore, entertaining to listen to. From camping trips with his daughter to date nights with his girlfriend, he was always up to something.

What’s my point here?

As fun as talking with David was, the truth is, we were only friends because he brought packages to the company I worked for. David’s ONLY job was to bring me boxes, and my ONLY job with him was to sign for them. He was assigned the duty of delivery, and I was assigned the duty of receiving. That’s it.

What’s my real point here?

John 10:10 says that the enemy’s ONLY objective is to steal, kill and destroy. That’s his mission statement. His goal each day is to rob us of life. That’s it. That’s all he does. He isn’t trying to do anything else. In fact, he can’t do anything else because he’s that evil. He ONLY steals, kills and destroys.

As I meditated on this, I thought about how I’ve seen the enemy attempt to steal life from me. He’s crafty (Genesis 3:1) and he seeks to destroy (1 Peter 5:8). He sees my desire to follow the Lord, and he wants to stop me. He wants to take life from me – and he wants me to lose. He wants failure for me. Why? Because he doesn’t want God to get glory. He wants the fame – and he fights to get it. The enemy wants my mind, my heart, and my life – and he wants yours, too.

Intense? Totally! Scary? If you’re a believer, no.

The Word says there is confidence and security in Christ: “I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand” (John 10:28). Satan, the enemy, longs to destroy us. He wants to kill us…slowly…and in the most miserable way. Jesus, our Savior, wants to give us life, and He won’t give us up. We find ourselves being fought for. We find ourselves in a battle.

There have been times in my life where I have crumbled in insecurity, obsessive thoughts, or feelings of inadequacy in my relationship with the Lord or others. I am realizing, as my life goes on and I struggle through various hardships, that the enemy purposefully attacks me so that I get stuck and thrown off track. In these moments, I get turned around and start to focus on me, how I feel, and what I think, instead of what the Word tells me about God and the life he created me to live.

He robs me of life and joy.

That’s his tactic and my response must not be self-pity, or a drive to control, but an effort to fight. I must press against him and run to what’s true. I must remind myself that I’m not the enemy’s, but that I’ve been bought with a price. I’m the Lord’s. The enemy can’t have me.

We are commanded to fight : “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done EVERYTHING, to stand. Stand firm…” (Ephesians 6:10-14).

Satan wants us, but he can’t have us (John 10:28). If we are the Lord’s (meaning that we have placed our trust in the fact that He alone is God, and we can’t save ourselves but must trust in the cross which paid the price for our sins), then we are saved. He can’t steal us from God, for God holds power over the enemy. We must fight. Lean into the Lord. Ask him to search you and take away any false dependency, identity, lie or addiction from you so that you can grasp the power that’s at hand through His death and resurrection. (See John 11:25 &26.)

God’s word doesn’t say that Satan “sometimes” robs us of life. The Word says he ONLY robs us of life. That’s a lot different. So anytime we have a thought that isn’t of the Lord (obsessive worry, self-criticalness, or impurity), we must confess it. We must ask Him to help us and teach us to take Him at His word. When we lack in faith or trust, we must ask for it because our reaction to the temptations and hardships in our lives are crucial.

If the enemy ONLY lies, our response must be to disprove the lies he throws at us.

“See, I set before you today life and prosperity, death and destruction. For I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in his ways, and to keep his commands, decrees, and laws; then you will live and increase, and the Lord your God will bless you in the land you are entering to possess” (Deuteronomy 30:15&16).

The enemy takes, but the Lord gives. Choose life over death. It’s harder at certain times than others, but keep going. The Lord is faithful, and He’s good. He loves you. Trust Him.

Misery and MEGA Change

I’m not going to lie. I haven’t been in the writing mood much over the past few months (as you can see from my lack of posts). The reason? I’m not sure. I mean, it’s not like there hasn’t been a handful of important and/or memorable events to write about. From Christmas, concerts, a great trip to Boston with Caleb, playing roadie for an all-women country music showcase, the loss of someone close to my family, the wedding of one of my close friends, a car wreck, and accepting a new job, you’d think I’d find inspiration somewhere! It just didn’t hit…until this morning.

As I hinted at above, I recently accepted a new job. I start on Monday, and I am super excited for the new opportunity at hand (I’ll be doing outreach marketing for a local hospital). The only thing that weighs in the back of my mind is the exit I have to make from working at a place I love so much – Watermark Community Church. Over the past year-and-a-half, I have experienced so much life change from just being a part of the staff team there. It’s hard to imagine not going there every day of the week.

I remember walking through the doors on day one so uncertain of what my time here would look like. With training in various aspects of college ministry and marketing, I knew that Watermark would be a positive experience, but I had NO idea how that positivity would develop. You see, in the summer of 2010 (when I came on staff), I was still deeply struggling with obsessive thoughts toward exercise, and the desire to restrict my food intake to control the way I felt about myself. Not only that, but during my first six months there, I struggled with the deepest season of insecurity I had faced since high school.

I was miserable, and I wanted out.

Through these things, and a few others, I realized that there were many areas in my heart that the Lord needed to work on, and I was learning for the first time ever that thinking I could fix myself was not only arrogant, but also fruitless. My white-knuckled efforts only landed me in the same spot I had been the week, month or year before. Leaning into Christ was the only way I could go. Exposing the lies I had believed to myself, confessing them to the Lord and to others, and then running to the truth in scripture to combat them was the only thing I could do. I am forever grateful for this lesson. It has reshaped the way I see sanctification and the type of effort I should have in it.

I also realized that when you’re stuck on yourself – trying to fix yourself and focusing on what others think of you instead of the acceptance you have in Christ as a believer – you miss out on the amazing opportunity to love others. The Lord performed heart surgery on me by tackling the areas in my life that he wanted to transform and, because of it, I was freed up to deeply enjoy the people I interacted with from day to day.

At Watermark, I work in something everyone calls the MEGA Cube (the MEGA, for short). The MEGA is giant cube that consists of six smaller cubes housing all of the Community and Connecting Admins – and it’s pretty much THE place to be! Over the past couple of years, the personalities within the cube have changed, but the friendships in it have persevered. From Crystal to Tucker, Dana to Erin, Amanda, Lauren and me, the laughter is abundant, and the discussions are both intentional and entertaining. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t laugh really hard – and there are several memories that play out in my head on a regular basis that I hope to never forget: Volunteer-shoe-fix-it day with Dana, the Balloon War with Amanda, Winagetasung, creating a fake email account and emailing my boss asking random questions….the list goes on. I will truly miss the people this cube holds. I’ll miss Lauren’s gentleness and her ability to tune-in and work through the chaos going on around her. I’ll miss Tucker’s ability to talk about anything for a really long time and her knowledge of random deep-Southern traditions. Erin’s smile and concern for others makes each day a little brighter, and if you don’t know my friend Crystal, you should because she’s smarter than the smartest person you know and she uses the best metaphors while telling stories. Man, I’ll really miss Amanda’s ability to turn any topic into something exciting and the way that Dana sees, understands, and meets people right where they are. I can already tell this transition is going to be harder than I thought…

If there’s one thing I’ve learned here, it’s that people and the relationships we have with them are quite possibly the greatest gift the Lord gives us on earth.

“Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything” (1 John 3:18 – 20).

Make the most of the friendships you have. Learn how to love well. Watch how Christ is committed to you, and commit to loving others. Step outside of the rules you try to keep and the things you wish you could change about yourself, and focus on the fact that he’s made you to be you – not anyone else. If you know Christ and the payment he paid on the cross for your sins, if your head knowledge of this payment and the grace he gives outside of your own merit or effort transfers to your heart, then please believe Him when he says you’re fully loved and fully accepted. It changes the way you see things.

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38&39).

When all you want is Macaroni and Cheese

Over the past 25 years of my life, there’s been one Thanksgiving that has stuck out over the rest.

I was about nine and my parents had decided to host the year’s Thanksgiving festivities. Unlike the years before, both sides of our family, plus our next-door neighbors were all invited. The house had been cleaned from roof to floor, and the sugary smell of sweet potatoes began to linger in the air. The doorbell rang and guests began filing in, filling up our tiny living room. I remember walking through crowds of people, ducking my head down to avoid hitting their elbows. Our house was packed.

Around noon, I took a break from playing with my cousins upstairs to run down to the kitchen to check out the meal’s menu. I looked on each counter and peaked in each pot on the stove only to find that I didn’t like anything being prepared. I immediately began hunting for my mom. When I found her, I ‘kindly’ suggested that she make me macaroni and cheese, but was given a blunt ‘no’ in return. With an outburst of anger, which was a typical response from me at that age, I grabbed a plate, a piece of turkey, and a roll and ran upstairs to my bathroom. I sat in the floor, on my fuzzy green bath mat, crying. I hated ham. I hated yams. And I hated Thanksgiving.

Thank God my perspective, and my taste, has changed.

This past Sunday, I was hanging out with a few of my friends, when someone suggested that we go around the circle and tell everyone the top 3 things we are thankful for. To be honest, the question was a bit difficult, for there are many things I am thankful for. I mean, what would I do without my coffee pot, a warm bed, and the job I have?


After much thought, here’s where I landed (in no particular order):


My Family.

I cannot think of a day that my family has not impacted. My dad is a constant force in my life. In a world that continually begs for you to be something different than you really are, it’s refreshing to see someone who doesn’t listen. He’s himself, and he’s fully okay with that. If someone asked me to list the people in this world I respected the most, he would be on that list. He truly shows me, on a weekly basis, what it means to serve, love and support others.


My mom is my mom – and that’s almost all I can say. She may be one of the most outgoing women I know, and I love that about her. The word “stranger” is not in her vocabulary, for she has never met one, and within a few seconds she can update anyone on what’s going on in the lives of those around her. Throughout my life, she has opened her arms not only to me, but also to all of my friends. The way she loves and encourages others is warm and inspirational. She is quite possibly one of the most kind and compassionate women I know.

My sister, Natalie (I call her Sissy), and The Martin Clan (her husband Ryan and their four children, Jackson, Macy, Cooper and Kate) bring such joy to my life. My life would look dramatically different without their presence in it. My sister has always been a continual means of encouragement in my life. She offers advice and lovingly points me in the right direction when my attitude, thoughts or actions are a little off course. Watching her and Ryan balance their life with love and intention always evokes awe in me. From Jackson, 5, to Macy, 3, and on down to Cooper and Kate, 6 months, I thank the Lord for this cute little family. I’m blessed to get to be a part of their lives.


Friendship.

Friends are one of the things I continually thank God for. I mean, God is God and he can do what he wishes so the fact that he designed us to live life with others, and then provided others to live life with is astonishing to me.


This year, possibly more than ever, I’ve grown to appreciate the gift of friendship. With the establishment of new relationships, to the strengthening of older ones, I’ve gotten to see how the Lord really uses friendship to shape who you are and who you’re becoming. From my roommate, to my Community Group, over to the MEGA Girls, I’ve learned to appreciate the unique design God used when creating each of us. My college friends, and post-college friends, have shown me what it means to faithfully invest in the lives of others. I’m extremely thankful for the love and truth they offer, and feel privileged to get to spend my days with them.

The Holy Spirit.


Every morning when I wake up, I brew a cup (or 4cups) of coffee, sit down with my Bible, a pen, and a journal and get to thinking. I don’t get far before I feel compelled to thank God for the light that allows me to see, the coffee that keeps me awake, the water that I have that many others don’t, the Bible I read, and the aptitude to write. I thank Him for the ability to speak to Him without having to stand behind a curtain, and the ability to have fellowship with Him through His grace. You see, the fact that I have a relationship with him was not of anything I did myself. All I did was respond to what He was doing in my heart. It's pretty amazing that I can know Him. I'm thankful for His direction. If I were guiding myself, I’d end up in places that I know my heart would not benefit from. He knows where I’m going, and He is my only hope. He’s for certain – the only thing worth banking on – and this Thanksgiving, as every other day, I’m thankful for His guidance and the growth that has come out of it.

If I had to be honest with anyone, I would say that I’m still not a huge fan of turkey and ham, and I STILL think that we’re missing out on a great thing by not having Macaroni and Cheese as a part of our Thanksgiving Day spread, but, at age 25, there’s a lot more to the meal than a cheesy covered shell. There's the celebration of life and all that comes with it! There’s the gratitude in knowing that we deserve nothing but are given much.

Now, that’s worth celebrating.

A Thing is More Than a Thing

I have come to believe that nothing is just something. Just when you think a book is just a book, you end up learning something profound in its pages. A song becomes more than just a fine melody when you gain clarity through one of its stanzas…I could go on for hours.

Two weeks ago, I went on a trip to New York City. From the moment we landed I knew the trip was going to be freeing. The weather was perfect. The sun was shining, and my Toms made their way out of my suitcase. I breathed deeply and got ready for the adventure at hand.

Setting off from our hotel, we walked down 5th Avenue, checked out Trump Tower, strolled down Broadway and 7th, and trucked it through Central Park. We took pictures of the Dakota, the last residence and murder spot of John Lennon, and ventured through Strawberry Fields. The history was rich. My respect for the city grew. As we walked around, I remember admiring the fashion and the way people hurried in their business suits from one place to other. I was fascinated by the tall cathedrals and beautifully constructed buildings, and, to be completely honest, was a bit envious of the way in which people seemed to be taking on their dreams.

That night, as I was walking into my room to go to bed, I told my mom, “This place makes me want to succeed at something.” I would soon realize the depth of that statement.

The next morning, I woke up and went down to the deli next to our hotel. I bought a cup of coffee, pulled out my Bible and pen, and started reading. I came across this verse, and it wouldn’t leave me alone:

Jeremiah 7:23&24 reads, "But I gave them this command: Obey me, and I will be your God and you will be my people. Walk in all the ways I command you, that it may go well with you. But they did not listen or pay attention; instead, they followed the stubborn inclinations of their evil hearts. They went backward and not forward."

You see, a big part of my story is a continual struggle with trying to find meaning in things that were never purposed to give me such. On this list are a variety of things: a reputation; a certain amount of money; a job title; a particular body shape; and a busy schedule. On that day, in that little deli, I realized that many of the things that once plagued me were, once again, beginning to offer me a dose of their toxins. The idols had fallen off of their thrones, but they had not been destroyed.

Psalm 81:9&10 reads, "You shall have no foreign god among you; you shall not bow down to any alien god. I'm the Lord your God...open wide your mouth and I will fill it."

In that moment, I realized that my heart was becoming unfaithful. The success that I desired the night before was not the right kind of success. It was success geared at making much of me, and not much of God. I was amazed at how easily an environment had influenced my heart. Would I seek God if I lived in New York City? The question haunted me.

On the plane ride home, later that week, I thought about the question. I spun it around in my head. I looked at the people on the plane, and then thought about it some more. Here’s the answer I came to:

My pursuit of anything that leads me away from God’s design for me is futile. Through my own pain and rebellion, I’ve learned that one thing is certain – God deals with the sinner whom He loves, and He does what He wills to capture his or her heart again. I could live in NYC and pursue all there is to pursue. I could chase money, success, things, status, etc., but deep down I know that all of those things would lead me to a state of emptiness. I’d end up in a place wanting nothing more than life, joy and peace. I’d end up in a dark place asking God to, once again, turn my life around. It’s a circle.

You see, things that weren't designed to fill us never can.

Matt Chandler frequently talks about the fact that we are our own number one joy robber. I think it’s legit. No one thing robs me of my joy as much as I do. My decisions, my choices to ignore the convictions the Holy Spirit places on my life, my declarations to go my own way when desiring something of this world, they all rob me. In Christ is life. Drinking of Him means to drink life at the fullest possible level. When my walk with Him is thrown off, when my fellowship with
Him is interrupted, my life lacks peace and my heart becomes ill.

"If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within" (John 7:37&38).

My little trip to New York was no longer just a trip to New York. It had become an instrument the Lord had used to reveal to me the depth of my brokenness and my desperate need for Him. I was aware, more than ever, of my idols. He used the experience to remind me that He created me, and He knows what satisfies. He satisfies, and He alone is God.